Politics

Happy 4th of July!

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Dear America,

This isn’t your greatest year.  It’s totally not your fault.  You are, of course, an inanimate object so you don’t have thoughts or feelings.

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Anyway, I want to say that I still love you.  I love what you stand for, regardless of what the administration says you are.  I love that one of your national symbols is the Statue of Liberty who welcomes everyone into this amazing melting pot of diversity.  I love that people still have the chance to get that “American Dream.”

 

That dream is becoming ever more elusive due to the hatred and fear that is running rampant thanks to the new administration.  I hate that people have to live in fear because of their religion or the color of their skin.  I fire3hate that some people might die without their necessary medications.  I hate that the President of the United States condones and supports the hate and the fear.  Mostly, I’m just sad that my country, the country that I would have given my life for, is not the America she used to be.

However, I have faith.  I have faith that this is just a dark spot in what will be a shining future.  I have faith that Americans can pull together to support each other in our time of need.  I have faith that love trumps hate and that love conquers fear.  I still have faith in the country that has found itself countless times after tragedy.

Happy Birthday, America.  Here’s to overcoming adversity and finding the light at the end of the tunnel.

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Alternative Facts

Since alternative facts are a real thing now, I have some about Donald.

  1. His hair is real.
  2. He’s not actually orange.  That’s normal coloring.
  3. He has normal sized hands.

These aren’t falsehoods, by the way.  They are just alternative facts.

Do you have any alternative facts you’d like to share?

A Dream Is a Wish Your Heart Makes

I had an amazing dream last night.

Obama’s last order in office was to have Seal Team Six kidnap Donald Trump on Inauguration Day and stuff him in a Port-o-Potty.  Then, Alec Baldwin as Donald, Beck Bennett as Mike Pence and Kate McKinnon as Kellyanne Conway all go up as Donald is to be sworn into office.

Chief Justice Roberts senses something isn’t right.

“HEY!  Aren’t you–“

“Yes, I am the Donald,” says Alec Baldwin.

Kate McKinnon nods her head neurotically as only Kellyanne can.

“Oh…riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight.”  Chief Justice Roberts is on to them now.  He swears in Alec Baldwin as the 45th President of the United States and the entire fucking world breathes a sigh of relief.

It’s about this time that Seal Team Six frees the real Donald Trump from the Port-o-Potty.  Naturally, he’s covered in the blue goo because they literally stuffed him in the toilet.  He’s very upset and throwing a tantrum so the Senate agrees to hear him out.  

After a joint hearing with the Senate and the House, they decide that since Alec Baldwin was already sworn in, it’s probably easier to just let him run the country.  However, he has to promise to spend the next four years impersonating Donald Trump and anytime he is out of costume he must pretend to be Donald Trump impersonating Alec Baldwin.  He agrees.

As his first presidential act, Alec-Donald gets rid of all the stupid cabinet picks and fills all the positions with actually qualified people.  We spend the next four years not fucking ourselves and the world is actually really impressed with how ingenious America can be when we back ourselves into a corner.

The angry white men are still angry but they end up being the only losers in the end.

Unfortunately, it was all just a dream and Donald Trump himself was sworn in as America’s 45th President.

God help us.

Godspeed, America.

It might surprise some people to learn that I spent many years planning to join the army.  I would work out in my room every night before bed doing 1000 sit-ups, 1000 push-ups, 1000 jumping-jacks, and running in place for 30 minutes.  Even my plans for veterinary school tied in with my dream of becoming an officer with the Army Corps of Veterinarians.  Unfortunately, celiac disease crushed those dreams.

Now, I spend my time researching the best ways to protect the cultural heritage of the Middle East, particularly in Iraq and Syria.  I’m working towards a graduate degree in Museum Studies and Non-Profit Management.  My entire future is looking towards preventing war and working with our allies, and even our enemies, to protect our human heritage.

I consider myself to be extremely patriotic though I’m sure many Republicans would argue with me on that.  On the eve of an inauguration that threatens everything I have worked for and everything I believe in, I am afraid for my country.  I am hoping beyond hope that Trump will succeed, certainly not in fulfilling his campaign promises, but in leading America through a storm of his own creation.

At this time, I implore everyone to reach across the aisle and work together in every way.  We need each other desperately right now.  We cannot be men, women, conservatives, liberals, Christian, Jewish, or Muslim any longer.  We must go forward as humans and do what is best for humanity.

 

Everything I Ever Needed to Know About Being a Woman I Learned from Phyllis Schlafly

I had no idea I was failing in my duties as a woman in the workplace!

I had no idea I was failing in my duties as a woman in the workplace!

Oh woe is me! Whatever would I do without Phyllis Schlafly to show me the error of my ways?!

I had no idea I was such a failure as a woman!

I just didn’t know that I was supposed to seek out a man who made more money than me. I just wasn’t putting enough emphasis on how much money my boyfriend–sorry, suitable mate–was making.

Imagine! I could have been an old maid based on my salary.  Whew…that was close!

Oh, I have to run, my dears.

I need to stir up my concern regarding the cleanliness of my office. I’m so busy working my ass off to get the department newsletter designed, written, and edited each week I barely have time to empty my garbage can! I should focus more on getting the garbage out. Silly me!

No wonder I don’t get paid as much as a man!

Written in response to Phyllis Schlafly’s comments regarding equal pay for women.