Humor

Alternative Facts

Since alternative facts are a real thing now, I have some about Donald.

  1. His hair is real.
  2. He’s not actually orange.  That’s normal coloring.
  3. He has normal sized hands.

These aren’t falsehoods, by the way.  They are just alternative facts.

Do you have any alternative facts you’d like to share?

A Dream Is a Wish Your Heart Makes

I had an amazing dream last night.

Obama’s last order in office was to have Seal Team Six kidnap Donald Trump on Inauguration Day and stuff him in a Port-o-Potty.  Then, Alec Baldwin as Donald, Beck Bennett as Mike Pence and Kate McKinnon as Kellyanne Conway all go up as Donald is to be sworn into office.

Chief Justice Roberts senses something isn’t right.

“HEY!  Aren’t you–“

“Yes, I am the Donald,” says Alec Baldwin.

Kate McKinnon nods her head neurotically as only Kellyanne can.

“Oh…riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight.”  Chief Justice Roberts is on to them now.  He swears in Alec Baldwin as the 45th President of the United States and the entire fucking world breathes a sigh of relief.

It’s about this time that Seal Team Six frees the real Donald Trump from the Port-o-Potty.  Naturally, he’s covered in the blue goo because they literally stuffed him in the toilet.  He’s very upset and throwing a tantrum so the Senate agrees to hear him out.  

After a joint hearing with the Senate and the House, they decide that since Alec Baldwin was already sworn in, it’s probably easier to just let him run the country.  However, he has to promise to spend the next four years impersonating Donald Trump and anytime he is out of costume he must pretend to be Donald Trump impersonating Alec Baldwin.  He agrees.

As his first presidential act, Alec-Donald gets rid of all the stupid cabinet picks and fills all the positions with actually qualified people.  We spend the next four years not fucking ourselves and the world is actually really impressed with how ingenious America can be when we back ourselves into a corner.

The angry white men are still angry but they end up being the only losers in the end.

Unfortunately, it was all just a dream and Donald Trump himself was sworn in as America’s 45th President.

God help us.

It’s Not This…It’s That

Prior to living in Minnesota, I lived in Saint Louis.  In the summer, a common refrain was, “it’s not the heat, it’s the humidity.”  Now that I live in the middle of this God-forsaken frozen tundra I’ve realized something:  It’s not the snow, it’s the cold.

I really dislike snow…like a lot.  It’s one of the most obnoxious things to fall out of the sky.  But then I learned it can actually be too cold to snow.  This is a terrible revelation.

It’s going to be -14*F tonight.  A month ago it was -32*F.

Fuck that.  I’ll take 14 inches of snow any day.

The Best Motherfucking Hashtag Returns (NSFW)

I love Shakespeare.  I also love cussing.

So naturally #AddMotherfuckerToShakespeare is pretty much the highlight of my life to date.  I was distraught as its death last December but it’s returned with an amazing vengeance.

Without further ado, I give you the best of the motherfucking best.  Enjoy, motherfuckers!

https://twitter.com/Kruspekreme/status/530555225153994752

https://twitter.com/notshawnspencer/status/530552287484473344

https://twitter.com/Nichuskey/status/530538512731619328

https://twitter.com/Nichuskey/status/530537795568549888

https://twitter.com/Brava_Guy/status/530498068651970561

Friday Fodder: Sisterly Thoughts

So my baby sister is turning 18 this year.  I was 9 when she was born and then I moved out when she herself was 9.  We didn’t really have that close sisterly bond…until recently.

Girl has developed a sharp wit and a dry, sarcastic, amazing sense of humor.  She’s captain of her high school tennis team, gets kick-ass grades, and is all around awesome.  We text/email all the time now and last night we had one of our funnier conversations.

InnatelyKait: So Dad is recommending Greg’s Anatomy (Grey’s Anatomy) to people on Facebook.  This is wrong for so many different reasons.

Sassy Sister: Oh. My. God.  Well, I guess Dad is coming out to us.

IK: Best response ever.

SS: I sure hope Greg bought him dinner first.

IK: Nope…that was the best response ever.

SS: Just talked to Dad.  He seems unconcerned by his love for Greg’s Anatomy.  He’s totally out of the closet now.

IK: Is it wrong that we are making fun of dad this way?

SS: You saw his post…he asked for this.

We do really love our dad.  We promise.