I am really glad you are coming to an end. I woke up on January 1, 2013 and I was happy as a clam.
“2013 is going to be my year,” I exclaimed as the sun shone in my apartment windows. “Bring it on, 2013! I can take you!”
Oh, 2013, you brought it. You made me eat my words. Let’s re-live some of the great moments from 2013, shall we?
That Time I Broke My Wrist
In January it snowed, thawed, snowed, thawed, and finally left us with a nice thick layer of ice. Ice that was hidden under more snow. One morning while leaving my apartment I slipped on that hidden ice. In an effort to protect my skull from the lurking stoop behind me, I used my hand to break my fall. This of course led to a broken wrist that will never heal. Of course I was unable to work during this time because I was banned from lifting more than two pounds.
The Spring Break That Wasn’t
In March I went back home to visit my Grandma. To put it irreverently, she was on her way out. She was fighting ulcers, MRSA, a flesh-eating infection, and some dementia. Oh, and her heart (being 95-years-old) was struggling. So I went home to settle up and say my goodbyes. I watched her cry, vomit, talk about wanting to die, and generally suffer. We finished up that party with a lovely family dinner that did not include my dad who was suffering from food poisoning and did include my mother who was suffering from food poisoning. It was a great spring break…if your definition of great involves emotionally draining events and crying yourself to sleep every night.
The Day My Kidney Tried to Kill Me
After driving for 10 hours we finally made it home from the Spring Break That Wasn’t. Jon and I passed out hard. I woke up at 3 o’clock in the morning with the WORST pain I have ever experienced. After 5 hours of vomiting, screaming, and mysteriously ripping the elbows off my pajama top I was rushed to the ER. One CAT scan and 18 milligrams of morphine later it was discovered that a kidney stone had completely blocked my ureter. I was taken into surgery at 7pm that evening to have a stent placed. The next morning I went home with a massive morphine hangover, enough pills to start a small (albeit illegal) pharmacy, and instructions to take it easy for 10 days. That was a good time.
The Phone Call Nobody Wants to Get
It was only April at this point. I was preparing for finals, organizing papers, and projects, and trying not to go crazy in general. Jon gets a text message and says to me, “You should call your dad…I think your grandma just died.” Oh good. Let me get right on that. I’m sure you can figure out what happened after that.
The Day I Put My Grandma in the Ground and Drove Away
Two months later, in June, we had a party and buried my grandma. Wow, that sounds weird even when I type it. Well, Grandma didn’t want to inconvenience anyone so she decided to be cremated so we could bury her when everyone had a free moment. This is just getting weirder and weirder. Since she hated funerals and always loved a good party the family threw a Funeral Party for Grandma. Everyone ate cake, got drunk, and had a great time. Yes, we are those people. The next day we had the burial and I put my grandma’s urn in the ground. Just sorta plopped the urn down in the hole and that was that. Then I left her in Illinois, drove back to my parents’ house in Missouri, and flew home to Minneapolis.
That Day I Lost My Job Because of Weird Inter-Office Politics
In July I got fired. I’m not going to pretend it was the first time. Back in the day I was fired a lot. My teenage self was too big for my own britches. I thought I was tough shit but I was really a dumb kid. This past July, though, that was something else. I loved my job. I loved going to work everyday. I worked hard and I finally felt like I was in the right place. Well, one thing led to another and I was fired. When I got the list of “reasons” I was shocked learn they were all taken out of context or completely false. It also turned out they all came from one person: the owner’s wife and her best friend.
The Entire Fall Semester
This one was more or less my own fault. I’m this incomprehensible mix of perfectionist and slacker. I want to be perfect but I don’t want to work hard enough to be perfect. So taking 19 credits that included two foreign languages and a 5000 level class was one of the dumbest things I’ve ever done. This is, of course, why I lack a degree eight years into college.
When My Hard Drive Died During Finals Week
So that happened yesterday. That was when I decided that I’m really done with 2013.
So you see, 2013, why I am ready for you to end. Yes, we did have some good times. My family came to visit and I presented ground-breaking research at a conference but really, 2013, you haven’t done much for me except drain my emotions and my bank account.
“Bring it, 2013,” I said. “It’ll be fun,” I said.
But now I ask you, my dear 2013, to kindly Get.The.Fuck.Out.
Done with your shit.
2014, if you are listening…Please have mercy.