Christmas Carols That Fail (Well, Just One In Particular…)

 

I go on this same rant every year.

I take issue with several Christmas songs.  My family will attest to my disdain for words like “Christmasing” (nouns are nouns for a reason.  They don’t need to be verbs).

But there is one song that I hear every day, several times a day.  And every time I hear it I want to punch a kitten because it is just so…wrong.

Do They Know It’s Christmas Time at All.  Band Aid.  1984.

What the…pickles (sorry, I wasn’t sure how to finish that in an appropriate way).

Why?  Why is this song played every year.  Just stop.  Seriously.  Stop.

I’m going to break some lines down for you.

“There won’t be snow in Africa this Christmas time.”

No, there won’t be snow anywhere in Africa this Christmas.  This is actually due to the fact that December falls in the summer months on that side of the world, not because Africa is some sort of snow-free Hell hole.

In fact Morocco has ski resorts in the mountains.  Also, South Africans can build snowmen throughout the winter months.  So yeah, it does snow in Africa.  Just not at Christmas time…because it is SUMMER.  Dumbass.

“The greatest gift they’ll get this year is life.”

Let me let you in on a little secret: Africa has 52 countries.  AND, AND, AND…Most are NOT third world countries.  I know…weird.  Everything you know is a lie.  Some people in Africa, yes, they do have to fight for their lives.  However, you cannot generalize and say everyone in Africa is living in a hovel filled with Ebola and Malaria patients.

“Tonight thank God it’s them instead of you.”

………….I’m not even going to touch that one.

“Where the Christmas bells that ring there are the clanging chimes of doom.”

Where do I even go with that?  How do you even….I just…I don’t even know.

“Where nothing ever grows, no rain or rivers flow.”

HAVE YOU EVER LOOKED AT A MAP?!

What do you think the Nile is?  It’s NOT some sort of fruit.  OMG…It’s a river.  The Tigris and Euphrates are also rivers…in Africa.

The song ends with the stirring line “Feed the world.”  

Considering some of the artists who recorded this song (David Bowie, George Michel) can you imaging how much food they could have purchased and sent to Africa?  Do you think they did that?  No, no they did not.

BUT THEY SANG ABOUT IT!  That was helpful.  I bet the starving Africans are thanking God they got to hear this song.  They didn’t want dinner anyway.

“I wish I had some food to feed the kids today.  Oh well…WE GOT A SONG!  Best.Christmas.Ever.  Thanks, Band Aid!”

Said no one ever.

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